My husband Bill agreed to be a stay-at-home dad for practical reasons: I was making more money than his teaching job afforded, and we wanted one parent home. Then the fun began.
We had settled into his being at home with our son Drew when the letter came, which I opened. It was from Drew’s school, Sacred Heart, and it informed us that “Andrew Packard has 14 tardies and this will go on his permanent record.”
“What the heck Bill???” I asked in my kind and understanding way. Drew was in kindergarten, and Bill didn’t know there were different rules for kindergarten vs. preschool. He was just hanging around in the morning with Drew, two guys in their underwear watching cartoons until they felt like heading to kindergarten.
Much of the stay-at-home parenting didn’t come naturally to Bill, but I don’t know that it comes naturally to all women either. It definitely requires a great sense of humor. When Drew got to high school, all sophomores were required to give a chapel talk. Bill and I sat in the audience, anxiously wondering what our child would say. He started out with this: “My mom wears the pants in the family, while my dad wears the dress.” I was horrified for Bill. I slowly turned to look at him, and he leaned over and whispered, “If I did it’d be a little black one.” This kind of self-effacing humor was key to how he handled his role. The rest of the speech regaled Bill, so it all came out in the wash.
Speaking of which, over the years I found Bill in the laundry room a lot. I guess he felt doing laundry was good therapy. One time I offered to take over the chore and I washed Drew’s cell phone. Who knew to look in pockets? He fired me after that. I was not meant to be a stay- at home- mom, for too many reasons to recount in a small blog. Kids pose very tough questions that I wouldn’t have had to wisdom to address, like when Drew asked Bill how conjoined twins rode a bike, or after getting the sex talk at school, Drew asked “if it could get stuck in there.” I’m really glad I didn’t have to be on the receiving end of those questions.
There were times I would come home and Bill was just worn out. It wasn’t easy, like it isn’t easy for women either. He lost his temper plenty of times. And yet, there are moments when I witness the love these two guys share, and it takes my breath away. Drew’s now a college pitcher and he still asks Bill to toss with him, and Bill trudges out there with two pairs of glasses because “it’s coming so fast I don’t want to break my nose.” But he gladly goes. They share something pretty special.
I know many women wrestle with taking an off-ramp from career to home parenting, because I’ve mentored many of them. All of life is choices. Know yourself well enough before you make them. Involve your spouse in this decision. Maybe the role makes more sense for him. It’s happening a lot more frequently today than you may realize.