A friend of mine worked at a beer distributor with a man named Bobby. She once told me a story about this particular coworker that has always stayed with me. One cold winter morning, a new delivery driver showed up. Bobby noticed he wasn’t wearing the proper footwear to work in the cold weather and told him as much. The driver said he couldn’t afford new shoes. A few days later, the delivery driver was wearing new boots. Bobby had quietly gone out, with no fanfare, and purchased the boots.
My friend recounted that, in her view, Bobby was a star performer at work. “Show up, do your best, and lend a hand. That was Bobby.”
Bobby didn’t do email or use any technology, and he didn’t say much. But in observing the needs of another and responding with no personal agenda—only kindness—he modeled the highest form of emotional intelligence: emotional fitness.
Emotional Intelligence Is Only the Start
Emotional intelligence, known as EQ, has been studied and applied in scientific disciplines since the mid-1960s but gained traction among businesses in the early 1990s. Psychologist and writer Daniel Goleman popularized it after he discovered an article written by two psychologists who said success was not just due to knowledge, but also to a quality called emotional intelligence.
EQ is the ability to identify and manage one’s own emotions, and identify the emotions of others and respond well to them. The World Economic Forum’s Future of Jobs Report in 2020 cited emotional intelligence as one of the top 10 skills sought for new hires.
Goleman went on to write the book Emotional Intelligence, which sold more than 5 million copies. His book argued that EQ was a better predictor of success in work and life than cognitive intelligence (one’s IQ).
Fourteen years later in 2009, Emotional Intelligence 2.0 was published, another huge bestseller that business leaders still reach for today. Yet the authors buried the lead in this book. With only 12 pages left to read, we only then learn: “CEOs, on average, have the lowest EQ scores in the workplace.”
Is this because once someone gets to the top, they can discard any veneer of emotional intelligence? Or is EQ a good idea in theory, but not realistic in practice?
I wasn’t surprised to read the low EQ data for leaders; it tracks with my personal experience. I’ve worked for those who advanced by masking their ruthlessness with charm and who used trust transactionally: I’m sitting here listening to how tired/stressed/overwhelmed you are because when you take a breath, I need something from you. They’re like Eddie Haskell in Leave it to Beaver—his too-polite manners masked the conniving (albeit funny) character he portrayed.
There is a less devious but still half-measured form of EQ that I practiced until I grew up and matured. It looked like this: I was observant and pragmatic, and I learned quickly that getting along with people worked better than anything else when it came to getting things done. It was still all about my me, not we.
Human beings have natural desires to compete and win, but without balance, those tendencies can run roughshod over the soul. I got the promotion over you. Yay me. But we’re left empty and alone in our cubicles.
EQ + Spirituality = Emotional Fitness
Emotional fitness is a call to a higher form of emotional intelligence, like the form Bobby practiced. It includes the cognitive and emotional elements of EQ, but more important, it involves the spiritual dimension of the Self too.
This part of us sits beside our ambitions and competitive natures as a gentle, countervailing influence. When we practice spirituality in our lives—through prayer, meditation, hikes in nature, tending a garden as it bursts with life, or gazing up at the night sky—we can hear this inner voice. It nudges us toward compassion, humility, and respect. It urges us to be teachable, regardless of title or position of power.
The three steps of emotional fitness are all about belonging—to ourselves, to others, and to the world.
1. Self-Awareness
We must acknowledge our strengths as well as our limits and possess enough self-awareness to recognize both. St. Augustine wrote: “Men go abroad to wonder at the heights of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars; and they pass by themselves without wondering.” The emotionally fit pause and look within.
Being humble enough to recognize our limits is key. Take one my limits for example: I have a visual/spatial impairment, so I could never have been an architect or engineer. My husband pleads with me not to load the dishwasher because I can’t line up the dishes in neat rows. I recently spoke at an event where 800 women had gathered, and a young woman putting makeup on me asked, “Do you realize you have on two different earrings?” They were close enough, I thought.
Self-awareness guides us to use our gifts and acknowledge our limits. Be in the world just as each one of us is intended to be. There is great peace in living this way.
2. Trust
Trust can be transactional, as described above, or it can be open and transparent.
I once worked with a guy named Larry. We were mid-level sales managers at a large media company. His close rate on deals was phenomenal, and I wondered whether he had a secret I needed to know. So I asked if I could go on one of his calls with him. Larry being Larry—open, high energy, fun—said, “Sure!”
We had sales agreements that were several pages long and pricing we needed to lock in for our company. Larry sat down with our prospective client, showed him the agreement and said, “Look, here’s what I can do for you. I can cross out these clauses to help you, and I can give you this price (our lowest). I can’t move any more than this. Are you interested?”
He came to clients without negotiating but by laying out every “give” up front. If they asked for more, he said no, he couldn’t do more than this. It was an unorthodox way to negotiate, and I suspect if our company had known his approach, he would have been pulled into the Human Resources office for a chat.
However, Larry understood that building trust meant transparency and honesty. His success showed me that gamesmanship need not be a part of making a deal.
3. “We” Principles
As a leader, “We” Principles help guide an organization toward a larger purpose than just making money. One way to do this is to establish stated values and honor them. When I was chief operating officer at HGTV, for example, compassion was a core company value. One way we honored it was by dedicating two weeks each year for employees to volunteer—on company time—in their communities.
Humor was a core value too. We encouraged employees to keep it light and not take themselves so seriously; bring a sense of humor to the workplace versus constant intensity. I recall a time when I walked into our HGTV breakroom and saw printed stickers scattered everywhere that read “Compost Happens.” Yep, we make mistakes. Compost happens.
Our Emotionally Fit Future Leaders
Speaking in college classrooms across the country led to my meeting a variety of students, many of them in recovery from substance misuse. As I’m in long-term recovery myself, we quickly bridged our age gap, and I came to know hundreds of students in collegiate recovery programs. I was impressed by their emotional fitness.
One student was heading to Georgetown’s graduate program to study addiction policy. He explained that our federal government had greatly diminished SAMHSA, the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Agency, and he wanted to do work that would help fill the hole that was left.
Another sober young woman I mentor today, Aubrey, is in her early 30s and works for one of the largest insurance companies in the world. She has been promoted several times and has just graduated from MIT’s business leadership academy. She actively mentors those coming after her in recovery, as well as others at her workplace and her former alma mater, Bryant University.
Recently she celebrated a sober anniversary, and we exchanged celebratory texts.
“Do you do The New York Times Wordle?” she asked. It was 6 a.m. I’d barely had a cup of coffee.
“Yes?”
“Do it now!”
The 5 letters spelled out S-O-B-E-R.
Joy. Fortitude. Accountability. Embracing solutions. We over me. These are emotionally fit practices we need more of in workplaces, and these young adults are already exhibiting them.
Author David W. Orr once wrote, “The planet doesn’t need more successful people. But it does desperately need more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers, and lovers of every kind.”
Like these budding leaders.
Like Bobby.
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